Falling in love, we said; I fell for him. We were falling women. We believed in it, this downward motion: so lovely, like flying, and yet at the same time so dire, so extreme, so unlikely. God is love, they once said, but we reversed that, and love, like heaven, was always just around the corner. The more difficult it was to love the particular man beside us, the more we believed in Love, abstract and total. We were waiting, always, for the incarnation. That word, made flesh.
And sometimes it happened, for a time. That kind of love comes and goes and is hard to remember afterwards, like pain. You would look at the man one day and you would think, I loved you, and the tense would be past, and you would be filled with a sense of wonder, because it was such an amazing and precarious and dumb thing to have done; and you would know too why your friends had been evasive about it, at the time.
There is a good deal of comfort, now, in remembering this.
In the last two weeks, my life has been forced into a fresh start. My hard drive suddenly decided to die, taking with her all of my past school work, photos and music. As I stood in the Apple store devastated, the apple girl assured me, “This happens to everyone once. You’ll always back your stuff up from now on.” Why, thank you ‘MacGenius’ for relaying the obvious.
Last night, I left my wallet on the back of my car and drove off, leaving it somewhere in the gas station parking lot. Where are good samaritans when you need them? Obviously they did not find my wallet. Karma is a bitch, and whoever found my wallet is going to have to face her one day.
Also last night, I discovered the remaining 100 or so photos on my camera have mysteriously disappeared. DISAPPEARED. Photos from Bruce Springsteen, pictures from San Diego and what do I have left? I have 4 photos of the Cinco de Mayo from hell.
I am praying that since bad things come in threes, my debt has been paid to whatever demon is amusing himself with my misfortune.